How to make the punishment fit the crime

A reader on our Facebook page, PPTB, persistently promoted her blog post and solicited opinions on her approach. I'm not linking to her blog because I'm not willing to drive traffic there, which I'm assuming was her intent, but I will post large sections to provide context around my thoughts on how to more positively address situations like that described. This is not an attack on her parenting choices; I am merely using her accounting as a jumping off point. We all make decisions based on things unique to us, so possibly my approach would not work with her children (or yours). You might agree with her approach or parts of it - I just ask that you consider how your child might perceive it.

Last night J, 2 years & 9 months old, was coloring in his coloring book. 

I dont know if he got bored or if he just wanted to see what would happen if he colored on the couch. 

~We have microfiber couches... easy to clean. Crayon.... not so much.~

So after HE SHOWS us what he has done, we calmly tell him that we do not draw on furniture or ANYTHING else besides our coloring books. 

We told him this was his warning. If he decides to do this again, he would have to "pay" for the damage and do a long time out. 

Toddlers have very limited executive function, which Scholastic defines as "a group of essential mental tasks, including planning, strategizing, organizing, setting goals, and paying attention to the important details, that will help to achieve those goals." Impulse control develops as executive function matures, somewhere in the mid-twenties. Three years into a two decade long process isn't the time to expect competency, much less mastery. It's also too early to associate complex and abstract future events with unrelated activities. It'll be a few years before he even understands that the beginning of a story is related to the end. 

People learn from repetition. Lots of repetition in early childhood. Some concepts are 're-learned' as a child enters a new stage of development. At the very least, it's not developmentally appropriate to expect a two year old to remember and act upon something heard once. We sing the alphabet song hundreds of times without warning of consequences if it's not retained. 

Finally, time outs don't teach a child what to do. Interactions don't happen in a vacuum and there are many interpretations possible when you focus on what not to do. While it may seem obvious to us, the child could interpret it as "don't color on the couch with crayons, but markers aren't crayons." 

So, what would I do? After experiencing the aftermath of glitter and glue left out within reach, I make anything with permanent damage possibilities a supervised activity only. I set expectations and repeat them often. For example, "you may color on paper at the table" to start, then "I bet it would be interesting to see what happens when you color on the couch. It's off limits. Would you like another piece of paper?" Be super specific. "Only color on the table" is different from "only color on paper at the table." Kids are literal, so chalk it up as a learning opportunity for yourself if your child follows the directions you gave, not the ones you implied. 

Since value is too abstract for toddlers, I would stick with explanations that the child can see directly impact me, then outline what I will do if the situation turns out to be too tempting. "Crayon doesn't come out of the couch easily, so your drawing on it creates a lot of extra work for me. If its too hard for you to stay on paper when coloring, we'll only color when I'm able to help you." This is not punishment; it's modifying the environment to help your child succeed. 

J DECIDED to test his Mama...

He took his bright, orange crayon...

And decided to make just one more beautiful streak on the couch...
After that He thought it would be a good idea to scribbled on the carpet and chair.

The second part she has right; it was beautiful to him and it did seem a good idea to color the carpet and chair. However, I don't think he did it to test anyone. No child *wants* to be 'bad' or displease their parents. I see a very  young child with limited impulse control with too much temptation.

I stood him in front of me.

Looked him in the eyes.

Asked him:

"Why did you do this?"

"Why did you do this?"

"Do you remember what Mommy & Daddy told you last night?"

He responded:

"I'm sorry" (with an embarrassed grin)... ~kinda ticked me off even more!

"I remember I get in trouble"

Me:

"Yes you are in trouble mister. ... BIG TIME!"

"You will be in a time out 

and you will have to pay for the damage you have caused."

I'm pretty sure most of us can remember being called on the carpet for a perceived misdeed at least once. Chances are you weren't trying to cause problems, but forgot to do something or got carried away and did something you 'knew' you shouldn't. Being the center of such negative attention creates deep shame and has the potential to lead you to believe there is something inherently wrong with yourself because you can't control something that's not yet under your control. (I still lose things...)

Asking why in this situation is not trying to find a cause for the behavior (and a 2 year old can't really help you with that anyway) and sets the child up to give a 'wrong' answer. This teaches a child to justify his actions and ultimately lie.

At this point, the child tries pacifying the adult with an apology and a display of friendliness aimed at lessening aggression. Many species use infantile behaviors to elicit a nurturing instinct in order to end conflict without injury. Pacifying behaviors are also used to reduce stress in weaker party. Instead, this increased tension in the mother.

So what would I do? If you know the answer to a question, don't set your child up. I would acknowledge that I knew that he had colored on the couch instead of the coloring book. Sometimes the child will continue to insist that they did not do it. Since we're a non-punitive household, my response is "I know you wish you hadn't drawn on the couch. You're not in trouble. We do need clean the couch, though. What do you think might help?" (And, there's a good chance she'll know better than I, but I'm working on my domestic skills, too...)

Assigning blame and exacting retribution doesn't resolve the issue. The past is the past, it can't be changed, so what do we do now to fix it? Replace consequences with problem solving. Instead of creating friction in your relationship, when you involve the child in problem solving with you, he is more vested in the solution and begins to take ownership of shared spaces. And if the purple marker never comes off the leather couch, at least it's not glitter. THAT is permanently embedded in the carpet. Things can be replaced, people can not.

I preceded to go upstairs to get his piggy bank.

I hear the little guy start to sob. 

At this point my heart is already breaking... I feel so bad.

But know I have to follow through. 

...

*Note* 

Lil J keeps his money close to his heart. 

He likes to "work for his money".

As soon as he finds a coin... he runs and puts it in his piggy bank.

This kid knows money is worth something... and he likes to save it! 

...

I come downstairs with piggy...

Go to the kitchen table.

Start dumping out the money..

Put it in a zip lock baggy.. 

I say, "yep, this looks like it will cover the damage".

It's obvious this mother cares about her son and is trying to do the right thing. It IS important to keep your word. It is also important to admit mistakes. In addition to giving your child 'permission' to not be perfect, you can model repairing connections. No matter how intense the emotions, it's never too late to turn things around. Deliberately continuing on a path you know will hurt your child can only push him away. He might be too afraid to ever come near furniture with a writing implement, but at what cost?

So, what would I do? Continue trying to clean the couch. Or go shopping to look at new ones. Or go outside to burn off some energy. Or move our coloring[glitter] to an easier to clean area (while swearing never to purchase glitter ever again).

It's pretty clear that Mama is upset about the couch and that the child knows that Mama is upset about the couch. The learning part is over and done with and anything else just serves to make Mama feel better [temporarily] by venting some anger. I'm going to funnel that energy into making sure crayons[glitter] are put up after supervised use instead of directing it at my child who would not deliberately try to make my life harder. It takes less effort to modify your environment so success is the easiest path than to try to force the use of tools that don't yet exist for the child.

*Obviously, Im going to sneak the money I took

back into his piggy without him noticing... but I think he learned a big lesson today. 

He knew the consequence and wanted to see if we were serious. 

I think he got his answer... 

and Im thinking this will never happen again! 

Mama: 1           Child: 0

I think the lesson he will learn from this experience is not what Mama intended. He's going to learn that as long as you're stronger than someone you can make them do what you want. He's going to learn that his emotional well being isn't as important as material possessions. He's going to learn that relationships are confrontational instead of cooperative. He's going to learn to hold a grudge and 'keep score' when people displease him. He's going to learn the means justify the ends. He's going to learn lying is ok, if you 'mean well'.

I'm also thinking that he's still 2 years and 9 months old and it's likely to happen again, because no matter the incentive, you can't use parts of your brain that don't yet exist.

So, what would I do? Get egg and flour all over the kitchen as we make pancakes as a family and be glad it's not glitter. After problem solving and reconnecting, the issue is over. We all feel good about ourselves afterwards and can go on to enjoy our day.

I'm not saying this woman is a bad mother or that J will need years of therapy. I don't spend my "spare" time dissecting other people's parenting. This mother aggressively sought out opinions on how she handled the situation and what others would have/have done differently and this is my response. I don't feel superior to her, nor that my family is 'perfect'. What I do feel is sad for J. I'm transported back to my childhood with all the emotions of being at war with those who are supposed to protect and shelter you. I want to stand up for him the way I wish someone had stood up for me.

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