So sorry for your loss

Since our target audience is parents and caregivers, this post may be preaching to the choir. If you've ever lost a child, you know. If someone close to you has lost a child, you might know. If you stumble across this while perusing the Interwebs and don't know anyone but your mother who has been pregnant, should you ever need it, tuck away this sentence for future reference:

I'm sorry for your loss.

That's it. That's all you should say to a woman who has miscarried, experienced a stillbirth, or lost an older child. That's all you should say to the father and any siblings. The only exception is when you know the family well, and then you can say:

I'm bringing over dinner; is there anything you can't eat? Any errands I can run for you while I'm out? Otherwise, I'll be around to talk, whenever you need to.

The list of things not to say is long. Regardless of your personal beliefs and desire to help, grief happens on its own, in its own way, and there is nothing you can say to make it better. There is, however, quite a bit you can say to make it worse. If you can stick with "I'm sorry for your loss" and not feel compelled to add more, then the rest of the post is optional. If that doesn't feel adequate to you, read on to see why you should stick with those five words.

At least you weren't that far along. Exactly how long should it take before a mother cares if her child dies? Does it hurt more when your older sister dies than your younger brother, because you've known her longer? Even if you consider a fetus a parasite until birth, that clump of cells' mother has suffered a great loss and this phrase dismisses the pain she feels.

It's good you didn't know you were pregnant before that. I guess the idea is that I didn't have time to plan and 'get used' to being pregnant? Even ignoring the way I found out, it took me all of 3 seconds to fully become 'mama' and as attached as I was with my first. I was actually in a bit of denial for a couple of hours that I wasn't going home still pregnant and my baby, already gone or never really there, was already a part of my heart as soon as I heard the words "Your pregnancy test was positive."

It's for the best. Maybe the physical, emotional, and financial strain of a(nother) child would take a toll on the family or set back some plans. Maybe it would have been better to not have gotten pregnant. But it is never best to lose a child.

It's God's will./It wasn't meant to be. Maybe we both believe that everything does happen for a reason. Maybe we don't. But either way, a grieving mother doesn't want to hear it. My 'baby' implanted on my ovary. It wasn't viable and I couldn't carry to term even if it had developed normally until that point. I still hated everyone who said anything like that to me. I also have a hard time with not translating that to "you deserved it." Which I really, really hope no one actually means.

At least you have have your other child(ren). They're not interchangeable, you know.

You can still have more. Actually, no, I can't. And they're still not interchangeable. If someone's spouse died, you wouldn't say "You can just get married again." (If you would, examining your thoughts on empathy might be in order.) Unless you are, indeed, this woman's doctor, you have no idea if she is able to have more. Or might be too scared to have more.

Time heals all wounds. Then you'd better be prepared to wait. There is no time limit on grief. Unless you are, indeed, this woman's psychologist, you don't know that she will feel better in time. She may not be able to process the loss and either live with it for years or commit suicide. Although it's likely that she will learn to cope, she will never forget.

It's estimated that only 20% of fertilized eggs are carried to term. It's a wonder our species even survives. Really? It'll be a wonder if you survive this conversation...

He's in a better place. What place is better for a child than with his mother? Or maybe it would be better for me to join him? And for the non-spirtual, he's in the freaking dirt.

He wouldn't want you to be sad. You think he'd want me to be happy he's gone? So maybe he wouldn't want me to be in this much pain. But then, I want the same thing. And you know what would fix it? Having him back.

You'll be able to move on./Why haven't you moved on? Out of sight, out of mind? A parent who loses a child never moves on. She may learn to cope and she may have good days again, but it will always be a part of her. I have yet to speak to any woman who said "Oh goodness, I totally forgot about it until you said something!"

It'll get better if you don't let it consume you. It won't 'get better' ever, we just learn how to live with it. There may be some parents out there who were not consumed by their loss, but chances are they will be, at least initially. If your intent is to help, stick with safer bet.

If only you had .... No one I know would choose to do whatever caused their child's death, had they known it would lead to their death. And many times, it's not anyone's fault. Regardless, the parent is already anguished and blaming them for the death won't bring their baby back or help in any other way.

Nothing. It may be hard, or awkward, or painful to be in their presence, but the message it sends is "Hey, no big deal, this doesn't even warrant an email or phone call." You can't be faulted for not knowing, but once you do, any gesture is appreciated. (It is, even if you don't hear back for awhile.) Especially early days, it will be constantly on the parents' minds, so don't worry about reminding them.

I wish this wasn't a post I felt I needed to write. I wish I didn't know why those comments are hurtful. I wish no one would ever need this advice.

For all the Mamas, Papas, brothers, sisters, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, and friends who have experienced the heartbreak of losing a child, I'm sorry for your loss.

Edited to add: I came across this blog post which has some very helpful ideas beyond acknowledging the loss - http://sermonsineverpreached.blogspot.com/2011/08/what-to-say-to-grieving-parents.html